Sci-fi and sexy, the latest Nerdcore calendar has got everyone impatient for 2009 to start. Fleshbot reports:

"...those Nerdcore kids have gone and upped the ante with this gorgeous pic of Justine Joli, bare naked and in the arms of a robot."

This is definitely on my Xmas list - what better than to find a dozen femme fatales under the fur tree?

To lessen the blow of embarrassment and cost that comes to those fairly new to buying condoms, Marie Stopes International has created a campaign that taps into the texting habits of teens. By texting 19 SEXTXT, Australian students can receive 2 free condoms.

Due to "inadequate" labels and directions, penis enlargement devices are at risk for being taken away at the U.S. border. So, before you pump your penis, be prepared to hand it over to police. The FDA is has gone flaccid from their disappointment:

"Basically, the labeling of these devices falsely states or implies they will treat impotence, prolong erection, and increase the dimensions of the penis," the FDA said in the new notice."

The 501 brand has a history of horniness behind it from lyrics (not surprisingly the same from which Shake Well Before Use got its name) to Levi's commercials. This latest spot is no exception. As Adrants explains: "Levi's celebrates this moment of pre-sex honesty in Secrets and Lies, a commercial from BBH London that reminds us all, it's never too late to set things straight...before things actually get straight and it's too late."

Just as cringe-worthy as the last edition we wrote about, Porn for New Moms makes us want to stay on the pill. The book features father's and kids with lines like "Damn, you look hot in those sweatpants!", and "Now, remember, it's my turn to do the midnight feeding, so don't get up." While meant to be a cute gift, we're still irked by the stereotype of what women want when it comes to porn.

PETA's latest ad.

Screenshot by Chris Messina

Bedpost, a web 2.0 application that remains in alpha, aims to give you insights about your sex life. By entering in partners, time durations and tags to describe your "doing the horizontal" data, the app appears to build a calendar of stats and averages. Other multimedia functionality includes uploading photos of partners, in case you'd like to brag to yourself about your previous conquests. The creator states:

"I built it for myself about 4 years ago, and this is the culmination of years and years of thinking about how to make it available to the world. ... Before long, you'll have a rolling history of your sex life on which to reflect."

That is, if you really find it useful to reflect on the spirit of sexual past. We can only hope this service doesn't include a "people you might know" feature.

[Thx, Tantek!]

This would most likely get covered on the Engadget Adgadget column, but we decided to share it here. Axe's latest ad campaign features a team of technosexual females scrubbing down a dirty male in sexy-space-age-like suits. The commercial is for the Axe Detailer Shower Tool, made for those who like it a little rough in the morning.

Playboy picks the top 2.0 girls that make them giddy. The short list includes Julie Alexandria, Sarah Austin (formerly Sarah Meyers), Veronica Belmont, Violet Blue, Amanda Congdon, Brigitte Dale, Sarah Lacy, Natali Del Conte, and Xeni Jardin. Though flattering, it appears that Playboy didn't clearly tell the "contestants" that voting by the public would determine who they would ask to pose in their publication. While some may be okay with the opportunity, others can safely shoot down any chance of that happening before the votes are in.

Recently: I was informed I was in the Top 20 Bloggers We Want To See In Bikinis

Photo: Courtesy Brigitte Dale

Spore already is proving to be less accepting of all-walks-of-life (and love making) than Second Life. PC Gamer's Kristen Salvatore created a "Boobalicious" creature, to which EA wrote her a warning about violating their TOS for inappropriate content by way of nudity. Salvatore is unsure of how the Spore "community managers" got tipped off about her tit-creature, but we can only wish it was our job to look for creature porn all day long.

Sex spreads. That should be the replacement adage of "sex sells" for the latest viral videos. Tired of chipmunks and chocolate rain, clips of the Wii Fit Girl spread eagle across the interweb in record time. Feeding off the fanny frenzy, Playboy's Jo Garcia attempts to pwn the Wii Fit Girl in a battle of panties and pigtails. Surprisingly, this very staged version doesn't have the same ass appeal as the original.

Happy Father's Day from Durex.

[via]

Violet Blue points us to the latest promotion for Chuck Palahniuk's new book "Snuff". Titled "The Twilight Bone", the short includes everything we love about cheesy sci-fi and sex, minus a bow-chica-wow-wow sound effect. With other installments like "The Wizard of Ass" and "Chitty Chitty Gang Bang", we're staying tuned for any other attempts at "sweded" pr0n.

These ads for Cabana Cachaçam decided to skip over the usual tag line of "the national spirit of Brazil" in favor of a more prominent type of "line". Speaking of the one-piece-bikini tan lines of course, the series seems to be a better promotion of waxing your privates than having some hooch.

As if the topic of genital mutilation wasn't ear-catching enough, the Association of Women Against Genital Mutilation aims to catch your eye as well. Using blow-up pleasure dolls, their latest ads for 2008 effectively grab attention. Created by Contrapunto BBDO, the razor blade caption reads, "more than 140 million women in the world are condemned to feel nothing".

Last month we pointed out the potential conspiracy to cover-up nipples in advertising. Yet another example perked up this month on an ad for Swedish lingerie brand Kroppsnara. Considering it's a full-frontal photo featuring a 1/4th cup bra, there's really no getting around this awkward lack of areola.

A satellite system devoted to tracking sex offenders recently released from prison suffered from too many bugs to be realistically implemented. The original idea was to use four satellites as a GPS to keep more accurate tabs on known sex offenders by way of an attached radio-transmitting ankle tag.

"...a pilot found that the signal emitted from the tracking devices could be blocked by clouds, buildings or leaves. It was also lost underground and on some trains. The Ministry of Justice has decided to focus instead on lie detectors as a means of controlling paedophiles released on parole. The U-turn will leave ministers facing accusations that they have failed to address the threat that communities face from 30,000 registered sex offenders."

Surfing for more pr0n than peripherals (who can blame them?), Gizmodo pointed to what is being held up as the best use of LEDs ever: the LED labia. Yes, stuck in a stripping woman's crotch is a panty-full of blinking, shiny lights in case you needed extra incentive to stare. Though this usage is difficult to top, Clitter most certainly out does the LED labia any day.

We are in shock over the fact that a tipster pointed out we didn't cover a shoe-in story from January yet. Called Nudar, this beta radar is a location-based service for strip clubs and nudity. With helpful maps and even a GPS plugin, Nudar aims to give you a handful of attractions. Nudar 1.0 was announced to be in the works earlier this month with the assurance that the service would still be free. No road trip should be without a plentiful amount of tits, so this is definitely a must-have gadget for your jalopy.

[A weekly link post of skipped over (and slightly stale) sights and stories]

• German Playboy billboard uses rain to promote wet t-shirts

• Space Invader + QR code scarf gives you that warm and geeky feeling

• Sensor-embedded bra records "vertical breast displacement"

• 20% of IMs are never sent

• Rabbit Travel Vibe is 12 volts of vroom vroom vibration

Following AdRants lead, we are left with little other comment than 'WTF?' on this recent find in advertising. With an overload of push-up, Nila Sliced Mushrooms is promoting their product by pinning up models on the side of semi's.

"[The ad is] one part come hither and stick your throbbing member between my huge breasts until you fill this can with your uncontrollable lust look. And you've got the perfect "WTF was that but it sure felt good" ad."

We're not so sure that feeling 'Fungtastic!' gets us past flaccid on this one, as we typically stray away from women associated with fungus growth.

Broadcasting from Austin and ready to achieve geekgasm, this year is sure to be as overwhelming as the past. Shake Well Before Use has admittedly been slacking on blogging in the last few weeks due to all the excitement and anticipation. Regardless, come join in the nerdfesticle that is SXSW at these two events:

How to Rawk SXSW: Achieving Geekgasm

16bit Pownce Party

Off of the naughty ad feed over at Trendhunter, they've compiled 67 ways sex sells (we thank them for not holding out for a 69 joke). From Apple ass-vertisements to pin-up calendars (we recommend the cupcakes) and pussy-product-placements, the ads are something to look up to other than upskirts. Some of the ads may have crossed your sight before, but even we were surprised about somehow missing the "boobs as a paintbrush" campaign.

Playing purely for the panty shots, a video game clip shows the desperate attempts at catching a glimpse of g-strings. Pairing Zelda against Princess Peach, the Super Smash Bros. Brawl has the appropriately dressed characters fighting often in mid-air. The player attempts to pan around for a shot of pixelated princess panties. We'd recommend that Princess Peach look into at least a knee-length skirts for avoiding being fragged. More importantly, we'd recommend the player to poke around The Accidental Video Game Porn Archive and get over it.

A new attempt at a study aims to prove that wearing high heels can improve a woman's sex life. The research looked into the muscle and electrical activity around the pelvic area while wearing high heels. While the researchers are wanting to prove that the measurements equate to a better sex life, we're almost certain that the medical explanation lies somewhere within how other people's muscles react to the sight of someone in heels.

A "sex ring" operated by young Japanese school girls was recently uncovered by decoding their use of txtshorthand. The girls were apparently selling sex to older men via mobile transactions.

"Take this piece of seemingly benign code, for example:
IkebLURV1700Yukichi2JC1
Ikeb = Ikebukuro. The neighborhood that the girl is in.
LURV = "I will have sex with you."
1700 = Time: 5PM

Yukichi2 = Yukichi Fukuzawa, the guy whose face is on the 10,000 yen note x 2 = I cost 20,000 yen
JC = Joshi Chugakusei (Junior high school girl. JS would be elementary school girl, JK would be high school girl)
1 = Grade 1. In Japan, 1st year of junior high = 7th grade. "

Unfortunately(?), this may make for a valid reason for parents to enforce no texting at the dinner table.

This is perhaps on the side of trying too hard, but someone took the time to edit their way through a variety of Star Trek episodes for anything resembling an orgasm. The Trekkie YouTube clip features the numerous seasons and character climaxes. Cheesy? Definitely. Worth your time? Questionable. [via]

Each week, Ariel Waldman serves a tasting of the latest in sex and tech.

Thermal Bras and Panties Could Boost Your Mobile Phone Battery
A new pair of underwear could use your body heat to charge your batteries. The prospect of using nanowires or microspopic strands of silicone has researchers convinced this may be the future of fashion. "This discovery could lead to special clothing that could produce electrical current for batteries in cells and handheld computers," reports Green Daily. While still a concept, the idea of electricity-producing lingerie is pretty hot.
Previously: Solar swimsuits power up bikini babes

Sensual Intelligence Possibly More Sci-Fi Than AI
Like using your left hand, sex toys are now trying to mimic a foreign feeling by the use of an artificial "mind". Dubbed "Sensual Intelligence", a new down-there-device called SaSi uses a positive or negative button for the user to select what does and doesn't feel good. The device learns your preferences, but also apparently pushes your boundaries on occasion as well. Regina Lynn of Wired's Sex Drive column claims, "...I thought everyone would be clamoring for one, because frankly it's the closest thing to cunnilingus you can get from a robot."

Sex::Tech Starts Today
The Sex::Tech Conference starts today in San Francisco, focusing on youth education. With speakers such as Deb Levine, Anastasia Goldstein, and Nikol Hasler, the event is sure to draw in those in the know. Some of the sessions today covered "OMG!STDs: The New Frontier of Text Messaging for Sexual Health", "Integrating Technology Into Sexual Health Programs", and "Wired for Sex: Connecting People in the 2.0 Sexuality".

Each week, Ariel Waldman serves a tasting of the latest in sex and tech.

Kiss-Me Meter Measures Make-Out-Worthiness
Catching up on the CES craziness from last week, we're surprised this one didn't make it into Engadget's Crapgadget edition. The Kiss-me Meter is designed to measure the make-out-worthiness of your breath and thus advise on whether you should make a move or start gargling some serious mouth wash. By blowing into the gizmo, an LED indicator shows where you stand. If we saw someone using this, we would make sure we stood far away.

OhMiBod Compatible With iPhone, No Word On Macbook Air
OhMiBod should've held off from announcements for another week, as only a few days ago it was boasting iPhone compatibility. No word yet on if the line of vibrators plans to sync up with the new Macbook Air. We're guessing that the serious lack in audio quality in the Macbook Air may make for some not-so-hot vibrations.

Unlimited HD Porn That Doesn't Hit Your Wallet
Another CES find that aimed to target those who had wandered over from AVN was FyreTV. FyreTV is a black box of porn that delivers a punch. With an ethernet connection, the black box delivers around 20,000 different porn titles. The service costs about $10 a month, which is fairly cheap, but doesn't compare to the fact that you can still get a lot for free. Unfortunately, we wouldn't give it a great rating simply for the fact that it's streaming, rather than stored. Seeing a buffering notice in the middle of a scene may make for an instant FAIL.

Sushi + tush = pervy form of Onigiri

[via (nsfw)]

Created by Ogilvy out of Frankfurt, this series of ads aims to nudge the naughty-minded into buying an otherwise innocent product. The ads were produced for Globus Supermarket in Germany. With tag lines like "satisfy your appetite", the play on imagery is pleasurable until you find yourself wanting to fondle mangos and feel up bananas.

While many of us tech-fetishists can't take our eyes off of the saturated-with-shiny CES floors, others have alternatives that catch their glance. The infamous I4U News (the ones that bring you your monthly girl-on-gadget moments) are taking their reporting to the array of oh-so-predictable booth babes. These are the lovely ladies that somehow got lost on the way to the AVN expo next door. Thankfully, gaggles of geeks are around to ogle and escort them around gadgets accordingly.

Each week, Ariel Waldman serves a tasting of the latest in sex and tech.

Non-Booth-Babe Babes Battle for CES Floor Space
Apparently I won the best summary of the CES news for twittering “CES effectively splooged all over my Google Reader" this week. Thankfully, Gizmodo gives something for us to effectively splooge over: non-booth-babe babes at this year's CES. Captured in pixels, "Videographer Richard Blakeley and noted letch Nick McGlynn went out and snapped some pics of some of the real babes of CES". The Gawker site of course failed to mention their competition: the geek girl of CES, Veronica Belmont.

Bed Speakers Make Your Lonely Bed into a Boombox
A new "technology" aims to drown out the sound of your sobbing in a lonely bed with dropping a few beats. The Slip Sonic Impact's BM101 speaker panel slips between your mattress and box spring to help vibrate your emptiness away without the need for a dishwasher afterwards. Turning your box spring into a boombox, the system will run you about $200-$400. Gadget Lab reports that in addition to basement dwellers, they'll be marketing the product to pregnant women.

Luxury Intimate Toys Attempt to be Inoffensive
Adult toys take many shapes and forms. Trying to make sex with yourself a little more stylish, the B3 collection designed sleek and less-than-obvious shapes for sensual fun. From the Tuyo orb to the Onya pill, the toys are meant to pleasure the eyes as much as all the other enjoyable places.

New research in the area of monkeys points to a natural reason for females to fake orgasms. Faking it may in fact help increase procreation rates, or at the very least, an enjoyable time for the male counterpart.

"Female monkeys may shout during sex to help their male partners climax, research now reveals. ... The researchers found that females yelled during 86 percent of all sexual encounters. When females shouted, males ejaculated 59 percent of the time. However, when females did not holler, males ejaculated less than 2 percent of the time."

Perhaps faking it shouldn't make you feel so guilty anymore.

Sex in advertising sometimes pushes seemingly touchy subjects. Very few venture into fetishes outside of obsessing over whichever product is being promoted that week. Being a bit more bold, an ad out of Canada last year went kinky. Bringing attention to BDSM, the ad for laser hair removal displayed masked women in push-ups and panties with the tag line, "stop torturing your skin". While the ads were meant to combine the sex-and-shock sells tactics, it's unfortunate the spectrum of BDSM was tagged as torture. Some might prefer a spanking over repeatedly long laser hair removal sessions.

The Mile High Club flew a little less high after two passengers spent more time being jerks than jerking off. Apparently, the ready-to-take-off ticket holders started fooling around in their seats and felt like taking the party to the restroom. When sex-less, law-abiding passengers complained, the flight attendants confronted the couple. The couple obviously had yet to climax, as they then threatened the attendants, which made for a mandatory diversion to Portland on their way to Las Vegas. The plane promptly kicked off the couple and left for Las Vegas, sans sex.

[via]

YesButNoButYes pokes fun at a variety of niche fetishes found across the interweb. The list starts with a link to a specific fetish that had a sad outcome. A man on Flickr had a thing for women in the backseat of cars wearing seatbelts. He had apparently favorited an entire collection of examples. When a few Flickr members realized that their public photos were becoming a fetish, they called him out and he deleted the entire account.

Luckily, the list of ten "funny fetish" sites may help satiate your niche needs without the nasty account deletion. From Japanese Girls with Big Shoes to Sneezing Babes to Slave Leia societies and more PG-rated obsessions like girls drinking tea, the internet is a truly a series of infinite niches. [via]

Elsewhere: Tracking fetishes on Twitter

Getting ready for Halloween requires more than a pair of fishnets to freeze the rest of the night in. Many are making the evening memorable with a variety of morbid recipes.

Perhaps among the most interesting, the Robotic Snap-O-Lantern was at the recent Maker Faire featuring pumpkin robots (I'm coining the term "geekins"). With a couple of Duracells, the Snap-O-Lantern turns on to be quite the deadly squash.

Craftzine and Slashfood are spookifying your sweets with Spider Cakes and Punk Glow-in-the-Dark Cupcakes.

If Snap-O-Lanterns and sweets aren't enough to satiate, Suicide Girls tackles the unstoppable sexy costume scene. Seemingly, sexy-anything costumes are the ultimate undead.

Crabs, the intimately-natured itch that's not commonly sought out by those engaging in sexual activity, are in demand at a Dutch natural history museum. Although the news appears as a hoax at first hearing about it, the not-so-pleasant search for the parasite seems to be true.

"The Rotterdam Natural History Museum has appealed for somebody — anybody — to give it a single crab louse for its collection, amid fears they may be dying out."

What's more interesting about the article is the explanation for why the lingerie lice might be near extinction.

"The article, titled "Did the Brazilian Kill the Pubic Louse?" found that crabs rates had fallen first in women, and several years later in men in Leeds even as rates of other sexual ailments were flat or rising. The authors hypothesized that the bikini wax known as "The Brazilian" that removes all or most pubic hair, might be to blame. "Although initially predominantly seen in females, extensive hair depilation, including pubic hair, has become popular in males in the past few years," wrote study author Nicola Armstrong. "This, along with reduced transmission rates from female partners, may account for the recent similar reduction in male patients." Moeliker said that in essence, the lice's habitat is being threatened."

Yes, Brazilian waxes are threatening to put a species on the endangered list! The wonderful writer from the Associated Press of this article ended the story on an amusing note of how pubic lice are akin to house sparrows. Just remember, every time you wax, god kills a crab.

[Thx, Jeremy!]

Leave it to "dumb phone" consumers to be dirty minded. A few recent models of Motorola phones featured a 3D image of a clock face that some users selectively saw an image of a penis in. Embarrassed, Motorola quickly responded:

“The image that you see is actually the result of shading applied to the clock background graphic to give it more of a three-dimensional appearance, in line with the theme of the phone. The graphic is actually built as concentric circles stacked on top of each other, with a lighting filter applied to give it depth."

We've seen our share of unusual condom usage over time, so the DIY condom "decor" should come as no surprise. Bored and perhaps a bit "frustrated", someone created an instructables-esque way to make a colorful flower vase. By rolling colored condoms over an appropriately-sized vase and cutting off the tip, you're left with a beautiful place to put flowers and weird out house guests all in one. Let's hope that the spermicide smell doesn't over-power the petunias.

A recent study shows that having sex everyday can help improve sperm quality. Though men are often told to control climaxing too often in order to keep their sperm counts up, a group of scientists down under (in Australia) have shown that it contradicts fertility.

"Among men whose fertility problems stem from genetic damage to their sperm rather than a low sperm count, abstaining from sex can make their difficulties worse, research led by David Greening, of Sydney IVF, has shown.

The pilot study of 42 men whose sperm showed significant DNA damage found that daily ejaculation reduced this by 12 per cent. While the results are preliminary and no direct effect on fertility has yet been measured, they suggest that certain men could benefit from having sex more often, or from abstaining less before providing semen for use in IVF."

We might not drink 8 glasses of water each day, but we most definitely won't disobey doctor's orders on this one.

Arse Elektronika, a conference about pr0nnovation kicked off tonight at Kink.com's Porn Palace in San Francisco. The opening speech by Johannes Grenzfurthner of Monochrom was considerably delayed due to, not surprisingly, a porn shoot that had run two hours late earlier in the day. After cleaning up spots and stains, Johannes apologized and took the stage. Opening the speech with looking back at a patent for a condom containing a computer chip that played music, he asked, "is this progress?". To some perhaps, to others, the envelope needs to continually be pushed, or in this case played with.

From polaroids to VHS to virtual reality, technology has always been quick to appeal to porn consumers. Johannes pointed to films like the Lawnmower Man (a movie he says is more outdated looking than Tron) and his experiences with an iPhone (the first thing his friend showed him on it was porn and said "you can even zoom in!"). Talking about merging sex with technology, a wise crack from the crowd yelled "I gave up my penis for an iPhone!".

Up next was a short film about overhead projectors. The film began with "Overhead projection is a dying medium. The only way to save it is to explore porn possibilities." A man then proceeded to masturbate using an overhead projector to document his "results". Somehow, I felt my years of grade school lecture notes being violated.

Skipping the Electric Orifice Orchestra due to technical difficulties, the Moaning Lisa was proudly propped up on stage. A modified mannequin of sorts, the Moaning Lisa is a life-size (and in some areas, augmented life-size) "doll" that contains sensors in an assortment of places around her body. Matt Ganucheau explained that partially due to the Nintendo Wii, alternative controllers on a public scale made people ask what can we interact with to enhance experience? As such, the Moaning Lisa's controls are unique, and like the female orgasm, there are no instructions. Photo sensors in her eyes detect presence and others around her body make her moan. The moaning is generated by the sound of 200 pleasured women. Why 200? Matt says it just sounded cool.

More from Arse Elektronika to come, the Flickr album can be viewed here.

Having a passion for popping can take on multiple forms. Apparently, bubble wrap celebrated it's 50th birthday recently. Violet Blue kindly points to who is receiving pleasure from 50 years of insatiable popping. From bras to bikinis, and "kittehs", too, bubble wrap has laid a foundation in becoming a fetish. While many leave their lust as casual habit, there's always those who prefer it hardcore.

Previously: Popping her chocolate-covered cherry
Nervous habits go mobile

La la la Halo 3 la la la hot chick la la la. Apparently Shake Well Before Use's presence at the pre-launch party in San Francisco wasn't enough estrogen to satiate the surging hormones around Halo 3. We'll save you the Halo 3 babble to cut to the chase: Suicide Girls + Master Chief = Geekgasm.

Always delightful, Dita von Teese poses for PETA. It seems as though PETA aims to be the new Playboy these days, as attractive naked women are their solution to any situation. Dolled up in thigh highs and heels, Teese teaches the importance of animal birth control in the 50's-esque photo. The burlesque beauty is far from the first to grace the gaze of the "naked for a cause" PETA porn. Pam Anderson, Naomi Campbell, Cindy Crawford, Christy Turlington, and most recently Alicia Silverstone have all stripped for PETA's SLR. Surely, there's no shortage of women who will use a good cause as an excuse to bare all of their beauty with class.

Hugh Macleod of Gapingvoid was lovely as always this past week in London and dedicated a cartoon to Shake Well Before Use! Tomorrow's agenda for Shake Well Before Use: TechCrunch40. More to come!

Clothesline Display, a project that recently popped up in Austria, uses both a delightful and yet delicate technique to create large lines of text. With 250 boxer shorts used to "type" out the text, it's not surprising that it felt a bit breezy between some legs. The wind reportedly over-pixelated the underpants more at times, but was an overall success. The brains behind the boxers showcased the sight between two buildings at Ars Electronica. Shake Well Before Use was not in attendance to Ars Electronica, however, did just buy tickets for the follow-up conference, called Arse Elektronika (if the spelling didn't tip you off, it's about sex and technology) in San Francisco.

Combining two tasty favorites in a medium bowl to let others beat off to with approximately 50 strokes, Cleavage Cupcakes are cleverly cute. Unfortunately not meant for baking, the bust-enhancers come in a couple more varieties. Low Beams for a little nip of coverage and Takeouts for a tad more. Notcot states that they "do NOT front posts based on how much cleavage or cupcakeness they have", but we do! Disappointed that these push-ups didn't pop out of a pan? A quick Flickr search may satiate those in need of peach-colored pastries.

Trendhunter rounds up the "16 Brands of Drinks Using Sex to Make You Thirsty". From Pimp Juice to Monster Energy, to a you've-got-to-be-joking energy drink called Who's Your Daddy?, the list covers off on quite a few. The 16 sex-obsessed still leave out a few notables, though. Most recently, Heineken's "Draughtkeg" commercial left a misogynistic taste in some viewers' mouths, while others creamed their pants over a cyborg-like, beer-dispensing, techno-dancing, short-shorts-wearing woman.

AdAge jokes, "The perfect woman: a mute nymphomaniac whose father owns a brewery." However, AdAge adds that the joke "manages to [not] trivialize the essence of femininity quite as egregiously as Heineken. And why don't they?

Because they don't portray a woman's uterus as a beer keg."

You like everything organic, so why not your orgasms? An eco-friendly oil- and water-based lubricant loves the health benefits of helping you make love. Yes believes a lubricant can change the world by creating sexual well-being and smiles. Appropriately, the personal lubricant is also Vegetarian Society approved for accidental swallowing. Made from pure food quality ingredients, Yes specifically doesn't take away from the smell or taste of your own skin.

[via]

Passive Aggressive Notes

Trying to compensate for their petite privates, a group of chumps created an ad for reliable servers. While advertising, sex and technology typically shake mix well, Qsol took the unfortunate oh-so-middle-school approach to market their manhood. With lines like "Don't feel bad - Our servers won't go down on you either", it's hard to tell if the horridly over-used, most-likely-stolen stock photography is worse than the copywriting. A commenter on Copyranter adds that Qsol's logo is quite precarious as well.

One could only wish there was more than just hot air to fill this float. A 40-meter-high floating condom to promote safe fucking pitched a tent in the sky over a recent Dutch festival.

"This is a playful way of asking for attention to the problem of sexually transmitted diseases, HIV and AIDS," said director of public health services, Laurent de Vries.

The airy erection took 3 months to build, with the hopes of submission into the Guinness Book of World Records as the "biggest condom". Despite the months of hard work, unsurprisingly, it only took 10-15 minutes to get it off... the ground.

[A weekly link post of skipped over (and slightly stale) sights and stories]


• Mobile gadget geeks prefer gaming over music.

• Japanese celebrate 110th anniversary of their immigration to Mexico with a 110-meter-long sushi roll. Mmm, delicious anti-assimilation.

• Jane Fonda is planning to make an erotic film to prove couples can have fulfilling sex lives in their 70s.

• Computer Ports Are Forever.

• Treat your tush to a cushion of cuddly pandas. [via]

College kids may soon find themselves paying for two tuitions if they're not careful. Cheap contraceptives are no longer being supplied to colleges across the country. As a result of the Deficit Reduction Act signed in last year, discounted anti-daddy drugs became "a disincentive for drug makers". Budgeting for books or babies may prove difficult between school and sex, so at least now you'll have a decent excuse for not reading the course materials.

We've had our heads buried in a sand of Harry Potter spoiler sites and iPhone gripes to have had a chance to visit TheSimponsonsMovie.com before it was taken down. Apparently, a man by the name of Keith Malley owned the domain and was using it to display some animated naughtiness between Simpons characters. Before the public at large was able to answer the burning question of if the curtains match the carpet to Marge, the court ordered the domain be handed back to Fox.

Previously: Olympic logo looks like Lisa Simpson giving head.

Like this ad for the British Heart Foundation suggests, Shake Well Before Use has been taking care of getting healthy this last and current week. While we could only wish getting healthy involved a daily serving(s) of sex and swimming, it has meant that posting has been a little on the light side lately, but will return once the thermometer stops telling us what we already know. In the meantime, keep updated via Twitter so as not to miss nuggets of essential knowledge like this.

Plastic pleasure has turned into an odd obsession for one man who lives with 100 sex dolls. The plethora of polished "pets" are caged in a room, where the man apparently gets off knowing he has full ownership without fear of a woman leaving or cheating on him. This scene seems to leave many speechless, most notably, the dolls. While a piece of plastic may suffice, dolls have nothing on D-S-L's.

[via]

Nintendo aims to teach teens about STDs, puberty, pregnancy and more. With Oscar-winning lines like "Huh? What?" this sex education video stars an adolescent teen who gets teleported down the NES rabbit hole to a TRON-esque experience. Luigi guides the dazed and confused teen through what testes are, while Mario offers delightful commentary like "totally tubular!". Between the nostalgic blips and bleeps and a clip of "condom boots" saving the day against AIDS, the video ends with a Captain Planet feel-good moment of "Nintendo Power! Safe Sex Is Teh The Best!". Also, what's with Luigi having no accent? Needless to say, this is WTF-approved.

[via]

Seductively surprising, a new brand of condoms is playful with its packaging. The Danish brand, Hanky Panky, has designed its product to specifically spice up "doing the deed". Seemingly inspired by childhood memories of the "Toy Surprise Inside!" Cracker Jacks, the box contains two compartments: one for the condoms, and one for a "surprise". Apparently, the surprise can be anything from massage oil and "manuals" to masks. You'll need the surprises, as the three condoms that come with only satiate most for one day's duration. Regardless, the concept seems perfect for those in need of a mid-day "snack" and surprise.

To no surprise, sex remains among the top searched on across the internet. Wikipedia is no exception, as a top search term study in April 2007 revealed sex, pop culture, and anime to be the leading researched categories on it. The study gives a few insights about sex searching that may otherwise be overlooked in the stereotypical Google-porn popularity. As Violet points out, it shows that people are hungry for accurate sex information over titillation. Even more so, it verifies that the internet is not a compartmentalized ecosystem of information in one place and sex in another.

Attached to more than just a belt clip, a new survey shows that 22% of 16-24 year olds wouldn't give up their mobile phone for £1 million. The study of 18-24 year olds showed that 20% wouldn't give up sex, compared to a 31% who wouldn't give up tea/coffee.

"What does this teach me? I am drinking at the wrong coffee houses," says Shiny Shiny.

Half of the young adults admitted to sending/receiving "sexually explicit" text, and only 14% said they would turn their phone off completely during sex. An interesting quote found embedded in the reports reveals that we geek girls are not alone:

"Women often use their mobile phones in public to deter people from approaching them."

From T9-ing your tasty fantasies in 160 characters to letting there be two kinds of vibrators in the bedroom, "young adults" have certainly assimilated cell phones into all aspects of their daily life.

ICYMI on every other blog and network besides Fox and CBS, a tv spot for Trojan has been flying around. Mainly picking up buzz due to the two aforementioned networks banning it, the nature of the ban is perhaps the most buzz-worthy. Allegedly, the reason why the condom commercial was banned was due to the fact that Fox/CBS refuse to air ads that promote pregnancy prevention, and will only feature spots that focus on the (turnyourheadandcoughMALEcough) "health reasons" alone. With only one out of every four fucks in the US using condoms, the lack of consideration towards women's bodies from networks is nothing short of them... well, just having short dicks. Carol Carrozza, the VP over LifeStyle condoms responded, "We always find it funny that you can use sex to sell jewelry and cars, but you can’t use sex to sell condoms."

The chemical compounds that help create that "new car smell" can also be found in sex toys. Phthalates are mainly used in plastics to increase flexibility. Not surprisingly, "jelly"-based joy-toys test positive for phthalates. How do phthalates affect your privates? Apparently, environmentalists claim that it's as deadly as DDT. However, others strongly disagree. The debate over dildos has led for a "green" sex toy movement, leading some shops to ban all phthalate-based fun. Jelly may be off the menu, but there are plenty other tasty items to butter up your bread with.

[Thanks, Will!]

Finding another way to get you to play in your pocket, Playboy is rumored to be creating a branded mobile phone. Perhaps partnering up with Motorola, LG, or Siemens, Textually expects preloaded aural pleasures such as moantones to be offered on the bunny-branded phone. It goes without saying that Motorola/LG/Siemens best be vested in some serious vibration technology, as well as bluedildonic basics. Here's hoping it's moisture resistant.

Not always just about car giveaways, books and teary-eyed families, Oprah's O Magazine featured sex blogger and all around crush-bait Violet Blue. This month's mag published a two-page article by the "brazen blogger" about porn for women. Beginning blurb:

"Eyes Wide Open - What kind of woman watches porn- and likes it? You might be surprised. Violet Blue reports on the pleasures of pressing Play."

As Violet points out, this is a very progressive step for Oprah's brand. Resist as many of us have, Oprah may no longer play only to the stereotypical suburban housewife watching Pinesol ads between soap operas.

[image via - congrats, violet!]

[A weekly link post of skipped over (and slightly stale) sights and stories]



• That has to be the most distracting set of earmuffs I've ever seen. (28 things to do with an old bra).

• Scratch & Strip beer bottles give bored bar hoppers hard-ons, get banned.

• eHarmony rejects gays, Chemistry.com won't take no for an answer.

• It's fashionable to carry a bit of meat on you.

• Astroglide up in your nut-sprinkled sundae: Cool Whip contains lube.

The dreary city of Seattle attempts to put some smiles on the faces of the otherwise melancholy metro males. After nearly two decades, the city is lifting the moratorium on strip clubs. As long as the strip clubs keep a safe distance from sins (children, alcohol, Microsoft, etc.), they'll be allowed to operate. Though the urban-planning committee doesn't expect many to open, they claim that "the city is better off and neighborhoods better served by having modest restrictions on nightclubs." And what better way to get out of the gray skies than to walk into the silver pole-lined clubs.

[via]

Apparently still not jaded by years of gadget babes, Gizmodo gets giddy over the latest gearhead girl. Perhaps it was the pigtails, or the pink bustier, but seemingly any picture of a babe with a gadget backdrop is worth one thousand words (or less). Tagged the Smart Eleanor (you know, that other object in the photo), the machine is a mod cross between a smart car and a Eleanor Mustang. The Smart Eleanor is not yet in production, but there's at least a limited production of pink-pantied-and-pigtailed girls globally to keep you satiated while you wait.

[Thanks, David!]

[A weekly link post of skipped over (and slightly stale) sights and stories]

• Women turned off by webcams, supply still satiates male demand.

• Hot handhelds: Atari controller candle

• Gamecake: Palatable Pacman

• Musical instrument of lemons explores photosynthesis.

• Fibre optic threads light up your rainy day.

Naked on the Internet: Hookups, Downloads and Cashing In on Internet Sexploration is a recently published book that explores and interviews bloggers and geek girls. Looking into the intimate nature of the internet, the 80 interviewed reveal how they intertwine sex and their computer screen into their lives and lifestyles. Wired's interview with the author, Audacia Ray, states, "women have wide-ranging sexual interests and are savvy enough to figure out how to harness technology to pursue our erotic desires". Technology truly is a turn on.

[via]

The annual Masturbate-a-thon took place in San Francisco this weekend. The event invited attendees to "come for a good cause". People were allowed to sign up as participants (both at the event or from home) or spectators and there was a contest for longest ejaculation. Pledges to sponsor were placed for every minute or every orgasm that went on. Here's hoping you attended in spirit.

Girls and Corpses magazine. At least your 'pretty girls always date chumps' theory is partially proven now.

[In LA for the next few days, hence the low calorie posting week]

[via]

Similar to the recent Elave "we have nothing to hide" campaign, a new campaign of the political nature takes a bold turn to getting your attention. Supposedly, a Belgian NEE party senate candidate, Tania Derveaux, wanted to make job opportunity promises she could keep, unlike her opponents. Posing nude with bold copywriting that we can only hope wasn't posted near any major traffic intersections, Tania promised to "give you 40,000 blowjobs". Tania proved her smarts in time management as well, calculating that it would take 500 days at 80 BJs a day to complete the task. Adrants reports, "the goal is to detract enough votes from legitimate candidates, assigning them to empty parliament seats which takes money and power away from parties and turns the power to the people who can sanction other politicians."

Taking note of a commenter's tip, it appears this might in fact be a promotion for a movie directed by Tania, called IP (more info at movieLOL.org). The commenter also signed up to be one of the lucky 40,000 and received a video note back, not from Tania, but from her innocent-looking, cute Asian girl "assistant". The slightly NSFW video involves the assistant giving "air head" for six minutes in tongue-slurping detail, with an occasional political reference here or there. By the end of it, I completely forgot what I was working on... oh right, a blog post about... advertising?

A line of skin-care products bares all (and we mean all) to prove they have nothing to hide. Unlike the majority of advertising that only offers a peep show tease, these commercials for Elave (NSFW!) offer the full experience. Trimmed, shaved, hung, and even pregnant, the product is the last item keeping our attention. To view the commercial, click on the projector. Though quite the eye-catching campaign, advertising has a hard enough time keeping our attention span on the product without parading penises and pussies everywhere. Not too sure if this is an effective approach... Then again, what does it matter?

Bonus NSFW! video stills (sans pink censored starbursts)

[via]

Good Magazine's video infographic about porn undresses the facts. (slightly nsfw, but totally suitable for your week's end).

[via]

A new bra brings a whole new meaning to stuffing the ballot box. With hardcore "vote or die" campaigns, voting promotions have been needing something a bit more soft and feminine to the touch. Triumph, the lingerie brand known for previous projects like the bra that doubles as a shopping bag, has created a new bra contraption that doubles as a pseudo ballot box. It's reported that Triumph is trying to target women with the campaign, but the thought of cute Japanese girls with push-up voting bras scampering around probably triggers more sparks of the masculine kind.

Putting out bad vibrations, a sex toy is being blacklisted from the island country of Cyprus. The Love Bug 2, a remote controlled vibrator with a 6 meter range, has been labeled as a threat and disruption to military systems.

"...the Love Bug 2 has been banned because the Cypriot military is concerned its electronic waves would disrupt the army's radio frequencies."

The Love Bug 2 continues to be available in Cyprus, but the warning has been made. Airlines may want to issue similar warnings, as there's little else for us to occupy ourselves with on those international flights.

[Thanks, Hugh!]

Intimate interaction is no longer reserved for avatars and vibrators. Jennifer Chowdhury introduces a new way to be playful with your partner's privates by placing game controllers in intimate apparel. The Intimate Game Controllers were created in attempt to bring gamers and girlfriends together in a touch-sensitive way. Chowdhury's research began with a bra padded for Pong, where groping a right or left breast controlled the game.

"The woman's controller is a bra with 6 sensors. The man's controller has 6 sensors as well but in a pair of shorts. Man stands being woman and each has access to others sensors."

Wmmna also directs us to the similar Pong Dress, aimed to "dissolute the boundaries between body and screen." Here's hoping your boyfriend doesn't treat your cleavage controllers like a game of Whac-A-Mole.

[A weekly link post of skipped over (and slightly stale) sights and stories]

"Study reveals that kids multitask" - as if it was any wonder what they were doing with their other hand...

Axe ditches advertising for straight up pr0n. Perhaps sex agencies will outdate ad agencies. Sounds like my kind of job.

Lolcats be warned - Cats That Look Like Hitler are in ur country, takin ur interweb freedom

"A woman is suing Best Buy, claiming a member of its Geek Squad tech support team left a cell phone in her bathroom to surreptitiously record video of her 13-year-old daughter taking a shower."

Robots have hearts, too.

A new book on eating aims to lift your libido with a few helpful diet tips. Candidly called The Orgasmic Diet, the book is set to release on May 15 and claims to help women reach orgasm (either for the first time or everytime they have sex) by regulating what they insert into their orifices. Supposedly by altering your brain chemistry and body through foods, The Orgasmic Diet will give you a "mind-blowing orgasm". The tips include "a diet low in carbohydrates that avoids “orgasm killers” like refined sugar and caffeine, high doses of fish oil supplements, internal exercises that go far beyond Kegels, and maintenance of serotonin and dopamine levels". While obviously a novelty novel, this one may be letting down the ladies, as it's common knowledge that 60% of women can't orgasm from intercourse alone. Though the book's facts are debatable, a dash of fish oil in hopes of getting frisky can't hurt.

[via]

Confessions of Geek Squad crew member prove to be more revealing than the last photo you kept of your ex-girlfriend. Apparently a 10 page paper on the inner-workings of Best Buy's Geek Squad shares the takeover from tech support to sales and the magic tricks of the trade. Perhaps the most pertinent of highlights included an entertaining easter egg hunt for customer's porn. Using USB drives, the Geek Squad grabs whatever remaining un-Flickr-ed photos and porn they can find on hard drives for their grubby one-handed typing. This ten-pager may come off as more-than-terrifying for ex-girlfriends and lonely guys alike.

If you're feeling fixated on Nintendo or perhaps even feeling the glee grow dull on your Wii, a new concept "game" may revive it with some raunchiness. While the Wii Dungeon featured in this video comes sans 6-sided dice, there's still geek goodness to be had. The Wii Dungeon uses the ever-versatile Wiimote to perform spankings. Of course it doesn't hurt that a cute giggly girl demos it for us. Though this may seem out of your league, this game would be surprisingly tame, considering that the Wiimote only measures 3G of motion, while the swing of a baseball bat is more around the area of 20,000G. We'll let the Wiimote get off with a 3G warning spank for now.

[via]

Pimped out in pumps, men from across all of LA walked "a mile in her shoes". While the sight was definitely supposed to cause a scene, the gawking was for a good cause. The 6th annual Walk a Mile in Her Shoes Men's March took place Saturday in Sherman Oaks. What was once a one-off, has now turned into 35 marches around the nation. With cramped toes and chants of "stop rape now", men took to the streets to raise money for the elimination of sexual and interpersonal violence. More photos to be found at LAist.

Camping caters to condom conservation. Apparently, with a bit of elbow grease and DIY-action, condoms make great fire-starters. What, you thought that camping out with sleeping bags was going to secretly help you score? Pay a visit to your pocket and rip off that rear-warmed wrapper. Between safe sex and cooking Ramen, condoms really do help protect you from the elements, at least until your fire goes flacid.

Online communities set to surpass porn? Is porn losing popularity or has the internet finally reached pressure equalization? A recent article in the Economist examines the trends in adult entertainment and online communities.

"In America, the proportion of site visits that are pornographic is falling and people are flocking to sites categorised “net communities and chat”—chiefly social-networking sites such as MySpace, Bebo and Facebook. Traffic to such sites is poised to overtake traffic to sex sites in America any day now (see chart)."

Perhaps less about a popularity contest, porn has in fact penetrated online communities since their conception. Charts like these fail to recognize that the interweb can't be compartmentalized by just sex or information. The lack of recognition for an ongoing intimate interaction slightly skews the data, especially with the induction of communities like Second Life. To quote Kyle Machulis of Linden Labs, "if you put two people together in a game, they're going to find a way to fuck".

Christina Ricci points out her lack of presence as a porn star. Apparently the Black Snake Moan actress is tired of sex.

"The 27-year-old was completely drained after filming the intimate scenes with Justin Timberlake in Black Snake Moan. Ricci says, "I've had enough sex for the next two years of my career with this movie."

The news comes as a blow (or lack thereof) to Christina crushes and speculating sex fantasies. While you wait those two years out, twiddle your thumbs to the sights and sounds of Scarlett Johansson and Bjork this weekend.

Not quite your Polly Pocket or Cabbage Patch Kid, be sure to keep this one away from the kids like a fork to a power outlet. The Hotdoll is a sex toy designed for doggies (and their respective "style"). The passion puppy comes equipped with the necessary glory hole to cater to more than just humping. Here's hoping it's dishwasher safe.

Sexoteric points to a recent article by the BBC that proves chocolate to be more worthwhile than a kiss. Through heart rates and brain activity, couples licked respective lips in the name of science. With mouths monitored and tongues tested, the results were in:

"Chocolate caused a more intense and longer lasting "buzz" than kissing, and doubled volunteers' heart rates. Dr Lewis said: "There is no doubt that chocolate beats kissing hands down when it comes to providing a long-lasting body and brain buzz. "A buzz that, in many cases, lasted four times as long as the most passionate kiss." He said substances in chocolate were already known to have a psychoactive effect, but that allowing it to melt on your tongue could be the secret to maximising the buzz."

Perhaps passionate, but the petri dish didn't test against the buzz of a "first kiss". Either way, women everywhere who stand by the "chocolate over sex" opinion could send their boyfriends an "I told you so" email, if they hadn't already scared off any erection in sight.

[image via]

While most viral videos entertain in 30 seconds or less, there are a few that only get better with each minute that passes. This meaty-multi-minute clip features a show on Atlanta Public Access TV, aptly titled Vagina Power (though Pussy Power may have a bit more of a ring to it). For fair warning, the audio on this is NSFW. Watch it before we jump up all in your clitor-whatnot like a jack rabbit.

[via Kent via Kevin]

Levi's launched a new site for their Spring/Summer line with a striptease. Sexvertising seemingly blends together lately, as sites like these lack the cojones to stand out and erect. Awkwardly animated and a bit of lackluster lagging, the Levi's site attempts to walk through a new line of denim with smirking models who ever so slowly striptease in the most yawn-garnering fashion. The only thing impressive about the tiresome tease is a man who manages to kick off shoes without the slightest clumsy step. Shocker, the only thing advertising strips off is our stimulation.

While sex sells, lawsuits linger. Taking note of America's fancy for feuding, European lingerie boutique, Sloggi, approaches advertising in an off-kilter fashion. By purposefully targeting treacherous territory (Fleshbot points out mosques) with banned billboards, Sloggi aims for shock over seduction. Now with an interactive website, the French fanny line allows you to make your own politically incorrect content, just in time to piss off more conservative-commenters at Adrants. Wah, a LINGERIE line is using sexual imagery of women for advertising. How shocking.

Violet Blue (who, like me, came down with a bad cold this week - get better!) managed to point to a very insightful article by Scientific American, recapping the New York Times observation of female sexual orientation, or lack there of:

"Presumably the masculinization of the brain shapes some neural circuit that makes women desirable. If so, this circuitry is wired differently in gay men. In experiments in which subjects are shown photographs of desirable men or women, straight men are aroused by women, gay men by men.

Such experiments do not show the same clear divide with women. Whether women describe themselves as straight or lesbian, "Their sexual arousal seems to be relatively indiscriminate - they get aroused by both male and female images," Dr. Bailey said. "I'm not even sure females have a sexual orientation. But they have sexual preferences. Women are very picky, and most choose to have sex with men."

Though the thought may lend a great deal of potential for scientific observation, the assumptions around it seem far from scientific. It is intriguing to gain insight into what imagery the female brain responds to (advertisers need as much help as they can get these days), but "disorienting" ourselves from society seems a bit extreme. Violet, of course, came ranting to the rescue:

"Besides my personal reactions, the NYT piece gave me a big knee-jerk rejection of the gender assumptions about women being "picky", or some construct of a biological imperative in regards to our pursuit of sexual pleasure. I will never take these hack job articles seriously until they present both sides of the argument for sex -- one that includes evaluation and discussion of the factors of sexual pleasure, not just making babies. Hysteria, which classified female arousal, desire and pleasure as a disease was a valid medical diagnosis on the books until the 1950s -- does science and medicine still see female pleasure as a disorder so as not to allow fucking for fucking's sake into the calculations? Or, is that when we're "picky"? ... You can't tell me that women choose men to make babies, but choose women because they're "picky" and that we have no sexual orientation. I mean shit, do these people know *any* lesbians?"

Presenting a prude and perverse perspective of porn, a new book pushes the boundaries of stimulation. Porn for Women, by the Cambridge Women's Pornography Cooperative is 98-pages of nonsense and nausea. Glossed with photos of men in khakis and Kmart sweaterrs, the non-porn "porn" is about as attractive as a screenplay for Stiff Sluts IV featuring Anna Nicole. Surprisingly not doting their i's with hearts, the curvaceous calligraphy and pastel patterns offer such lines as "Breakfast is on the table. I'll have your outfit ready in five minutes" and “Ooh, look, the NFL playoffs are today. I bet we'll have no trouble parking at the crafts fair", it's a surprise that they don't tack on "It's okay, I totally understand why you only want to have sex twice a year". Wishing the book was a cute joke, the sex-less soccer moms behind the book are apparently serious and believe that this is what straight women fantasize about. For the rest of women, this may be the only thing we find hard to swallow.

[via]

Stains aren't the only marks made in the production of porn. While you can try blaming it on a hardcore face to crotch scene, explaining the bump on your head to your friends may prove to be far less provocative. Dare we admit that there's something about the sound of skull cracking and a proceeding moan upon collapse that arouses our attention among other things. Though the video [no nudity - work safe] was posted last summer, it has an addictive quality that makes you want to press "play again" while you wear out the L's and the O's on your keyboard.

Thanks, Mike!

Peep show.

[Sidenote: Back from Seattle - thanks again to Gavin for guest blogging last week!]

Hitting at the heart-strings of Shake Well Before Use, a shyly seductive Swiss girl slinks her way into fashion.

"The last person you would ever imagine creating the sweet yet perverted Locher's line, is an innocent Swiss girl, straight out of "The Sound of Music"."

Locher's, the Paris-based boutique, finds influence in found objects and flea markets across Europe. Digging through drawers may be somewhat of a specialty for the designer, Nicole. With one hand in grandma's handkerchiefs and another in 'classy' porn collections, this sex kitten of a sewer creates an interesting household hybrid. With tshirt titles like "No Time to Fuck", "Insatiable Little Thing", "I Love Porn", and "Just Good Boys Get Presents", it's hard to say no.

"To counterbalance the elegance and antiquity of the embroidery, she adds the playful charm of a dirty saying embroidered into every shirt."

Ah, a woman after my own heart. The last person you would ever imagine creating the sweet yet perverted Shake Well Before Use, is...

Trendhunter points to a call for submissions that requires stamina for those who are up to the challenge. Durex UK is spreading the nation with openings for condom testers. While the position isn't paying, feel free to change positions until you find one that fits. The 'job' offers a chance to win 500 quid, and a plush set of benefits that one could only dream of in an office cube. Coworker crushes will no longer be reserved for flirtatiously fickle email exchanges, so be sure to apply before April 30.

Fetishes have long flirted with the interweb, manifesting themselves in naughty niches and virtual vacancies. To cater to the interweb insatiable, a new fetish magazine is taking its glossies from print to online publishing. The "edgy, raw, over-the-top fetish mag" attempts to claim your fancy by making itself free. While most fetish sites simply seduce and ask for a subscription fee before you're able to finish, this one opens up for entrance. Senze, the Sweden-based sensation, only offers content online, so while the feeling of sticky pages may be long past, you may still want to protect your key pad with some plastic wrap.

[via]

Challenged with the launch of a new book and a necessity to peak interests, the publishers at HarperCollins decided to market the book solely online. To no surprise, there was a limited budget. Originally the publisher had set out to market the book in newspapers and magazines, but the content proved to be a bit too precariously positioned for publishing. The novel, Average American Male by Chad Kultgen is about what men really think. This isn't the bubblegum version of "He's Just Not That Into You", as such, it required above-average American advertising. More than a million views and a third printing later, some may call the sexed up spots a success. View videos #1, #2, and #3.

Perverts appear to go to great lengths to explain their 'caught in the act' behavior. Making its rounds among the awkward-infatuated blogosphere, panda porn has finally penetrated beyond the passive (yet entertaining) media of the Discovery Channel. Reportedly, a Thai zoo, distraught over the lack of moaning and clearly intimidated by the dreaded "sperm headache", starting showing a panda porn video to the captive pandas with the intent to "encourage the male to show some interest in his partner". The story may seem a little fickle to those subscribing to the furry fanclub way of life, where what would be better than working at a zoo and getting paid to watch how the "male mounts the female in a reproductive ritual"? Furries aside, the poor attempt of a "porn for pandas" excuse smells fishier than bear's breath.

Apparently feeling a Freudian void of hoarding her own morning wood, Julia Harrison decided to carve a niche out for herself:

"I look for the stories being quietly told by human bodies: a child's pout, a furrowed brow, a flash of cleavage, a clenched fist, a fading bruise. Our bodies express and illustrate our desires, needs, and concerns. We are our own ornament; my work draws attention to this relationship. I find wood to be convincingly fleshy and a pleasure to wear."

The connection between hard surfaces and "fleshy pleasures" may be an easy one to understand, but Harrison's artwork definitely remains a bit off kilter. With sculpted buns and expressive lips, artists perhaps do sometimes have too much time on their hands. Though erotically appealing, definitely wear some splinter protection before taking them out for a test drive.

[via]

Recent news claims that love is in the air for a lucky couple outside of London. The "Big L" radio show is apparently hosting a contest with the grand prize being a precarious plane flight across the Atlantic. The contest takes couples on air who willfully "describe how they are growing old in a suitably disgraceful manner." To perk up those pricks, the British Big L flies the winning couple from London to the ever so exciting Atlanta, Georgia. However, some might say it's not about the destination as long as you travel well, and what better way to travel than hitting the Mile High Club legally at a radio station's expense? Sugarcoated with champagne and sheets, the Mile High members over America will enjoy the privacy of a few thousand miles between them and what may remain just a fantasy to most.

[via]

Best contextual advertising ever.

Buzzword Bingo perhaps needs to be an expanded column someday on Shake Well Before Use. In the meantime, the current trend is buzzing off the beaver. Sexoteric points to an article in Esquire about the 'psychosocial implications of disappearing pubic hair on women'. Well of course, you only need the next plucked out bingo ball to be B5... B as in Britney, 5.. for you to be jumping up at your table screaming "bingo! bingo! Britney!" as you plow over sneering old ladies to claim your prize, to know the answer to that question.

Stacey Grenrock Woods of Esquire says, "the new bareness is a trend instigated by porn and exploited by the media, because when those two get together, anything can happen. No one suffers much from an absence of pubic hair; its evolutionary function is thought to be as a buffer for intercourse. No one paid it much mind until a few years ago, when a roving band of waxers from Brazil came here and started taking all of our country's pubic hair. And now it's just out of control..."

Well, yes, when our beavers begin looking like the head of a pop singer's insanity, you can maybe say it lost its footing somewhere along the way. However, when was the last time anyone appreciated buffering? It was no fun back in the 90s, trying to listen to music via Real Player over the 52k modem, so it certainly shouldn't be anymore appreciated a decade later.

Launched earlier this year, New York's subway-branded condoms were handed out to over 150,000 people in five boroughs to help promote safe sex. Despite the safety claims, New York is yet again under attack for not providing enough protection, or in this case, sensitivity. Gawker points to a blogger with a bone to itch about the New York subway condoms.

"Sure, they may have subway maps on them, but I think a real marketing opportunity was missed. My boy Travis first pointed this out when he told me that they were all the same. I thought the deal was that there would be different sorts of condoms branded by subway line. That way, all situations would be covered and you could squeeze the marketing opportunities dry."

Somehow I doubt there's a subway line that's "sensitive for her pleasure", but there are certainly lines for getting shafted and fucked. While a cute idea, the letter/number, ribbed/un-ribbed memorization process seems a bit too hard for anyone with a hard on.

Texting and titillated, teledildonics takes on an entirely new definition. Bluetooth and slider controls aside, it's easy to be sexually seduced by small screens. Remember, it's not the size of the screen, it's the motion in the notification-activated, set-to-silent vibration mechanism. Jordan aka Katie Price, best known for her fake floppies British breasts, was "caught" feeling up her flip phone recently. The Voluptuous Vixen Playboy apparently thinks her T9 finger skills are satisfactory, but a little silent vibration can always provide additional help with emotional hang ups.

Editing erections and filtering flesh, the Scrambled series blurs the lines between focal points and fetishes. Shifting seduction, an experimental series examines orgasmic obstruction. Digitally destructing pornographic pixels, the series aims to exploit artifacts and errors. Perhaps to be more accurately titled Fuck That Noise, the visual "feedback" fixates the viewer, similar to a insatiably solved Rubik's Cube.

"For the Scrambled series, using video footage downloaded from Internet, we exploit the artifacts, errors, blurs inherent to heavy digital compression and incomplete files. Dozens of snapshots are generated. Here, the creative process in itself rely on selecting the right images: identifiable as pornographic, but somehow deactivated."

[via]

Passion for panties has turned over a new portal in the realm of fetish fanatics. The Used Panty Portal caters to the crowd with the latest panty news and PR, as well as panty auctions, matchmakers, and wikis. One can only imagine how accurate the panty matchmaker is, as most registered males probably would match up best with a pair of bloomers and a sticky VHS tape. Just like online dating though, they should be performning security screening for skidmarks.

[via]

Increasing awkwardness of the necessary sexual precautions, Kama Sutra Condoms add insult to injury. As if there weren't enough nervous pauses between inability to unhinge clasps, unzip zippers, and untie shoes, having to receive any more instructions might be pushing it. Though it may act as a cute entertainment piece, trying to figure out where her feet go when you accidentally ripped off the heads on the packaging in your moment of anticipation may be more of a turn off than sticking in to the little you do know. Charles&Marie encourage users to "collect them all", finally providing an excuse for having 64 condoms scattered around your bedroom.

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Don't worry, it's not the gamers themselves (though looking at the top 10 man-boobs of gamers who have yet to discover the Wii would be a car wreck you know you'd have to see). ScrewAttack announces (almost annoyingly) their top ten video game character 'boobies', leaving you with that uncomfortable feeling that can only come from a grown man saying 'boobies'. What's even worse is that the video asks for age verification, despite the fact that it covers up the VIRTUAL boobs with "Boobies!" words. Anyone can get a better look at fake tits by watching TBS versions of Sex And The City, or the Real Housewives of Orange County, for that matter. "Polygon pillows" aside, don't expect to be titillated.

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A feature that was to be in Jane's Magazine titled 'Jane's Guide to Boobs' has been canceled to the chagrin of preemptive erections everywhere. The feature was to showcase 53 firm femmes topless, but Jane isn't running some kind of flash-it-all whorehouse, they keep their identities covered and it's an extra fee to get a 'private dance lesson', alright? Or at least that was the idea. But as with any strip club, you begin having sheer cover-ups, and then smaller ones, and before you know it, you're showing the man in the boat for $5 a pop. Okay, perhaps Jane didn't go that far, but the list of 53 women who were paid a whopping $50 each to take it off was leaked and Jane soon after pulled the plug. Women may just have stay with the traditional route of using grope guides to find our way around boobs.

High Maintenance Bitch is more than just your ex-girlfriend, though the concept alone may bring similarly annoyed emotions. A luxury pet store is under criticism for its prominent logo, featuring the word Bitch on "at least half" of the outdoor sign. The pooch boutique caters to what it advertises, offering paw nail polish and a sparkly mascara for dogs, dubbed "Whiskara". Hoping to be the Victoria's Secret of bitches everywhere, the store is receiving local complaints, mainly dealing with parents of sheltered children.

"It is going to be a hot issue again when we get to our Wallingford Kiddie Parade and Street Fair," she said. Stillman fears that the sign will ruin family photos of the summer parade."

The owners seem less worried, stating that to take it down is a violation of free speech. Speaking of free, the free publicity alone from the name makes any local battle worth the trouble. Here's hoping that there's a tangent store called Wet Shaved Pussy - what? it's for cat grooming, sheesh.

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Moneyshots are no longer about the money in Britain. Great Britain is now asking that you show your face before you release the need. While money, cum, and a face usually make a delightful party, for many in the UK, it's less than encouraging. A little less than a year ago, the GB stopped allowing anonymous 'users' donate sperm. In the UK, at age 18, a sperm-orphan can track down their biological father. While some men may not mind telling little Annie that daddy really needed to buy a Nintendo Wii and that's why she has so many brothers and sisters, it might make others wince. As a result, Britain has announced that it is at a 'sperm crisis level', with only 169 registered donors in the UK last year. Perhaps they should try tapping into the Spermcube.

Up for grabs and gropes, Valleyway posts its 5 hottest lady vloggers for you to vote on. Violet Blue, Gala Darling, Adriana Gascoigne, Casey McKinnon, and Sara Schaefer make the lineup. While I'm admittedly jealous of not being on any geek girl glamor list, these vlogging vixens deserve it. Though there's much love for Violet Blue and her writing, I do find Casey McKinnon to be supercute as well. However, so far Adriana appears to be cat-fighting her way on top, so hopefully Sara likes being on bottom, otherwise she may need to get her hands free to pull out on top.

Apparently reflecting on the 'life and times' of Anna Nicole, Hugh Hefner wants to follow suit by marrying some young blond beaut (in all fairness, she's more of a beaut than ANS). Holly Madison may be the cosmetically-blushing bride, as it's rumored that out of the two other girlfriends that Hugh keeps around, she's the keeper.

"Hef has decided he will marry Holly, and he wants it for his show, 'The Girls Next Door.' Hef thinks business all the time, and looks for a new hook, although he also does really love Holly... Hef sees that she is the most dedicated. Kendra is never there, and they both hate each other, and Bridget is hanging on by being very friendly to Holly."

Tsk, tsk, Kendra, you should really be there for your boyfriend who's always there for everyone else. And Bridget, nice girls finish last no matter how orally skilled your partner may be.

The Superficial says, "[Holly] gets to marry a guy who's just, what, barely in his 120's? And has two other girlfriends? And looks like E.T.? It's like every little girl's dream come true. They should write fairy tales about her life."

Kathy Sierra talks about how most companies are never in the mood, leaving you to finish yourself off in the shower. She references the secret to any good marriage is to not change, stating that passionate, sex-craving and caring person shouldn't become the bored, bothered, and overly-serious.

"I don't understand this in personal relationships, and I don't understand it in business-to-customer relationships. Shouldn't you treat the people you're in a relationship with better than you treat anyone else? Shouldn't you treat your existing customers better than the ones who've given you nothing?"

Kathy points to examples, including the amount of effort that is put into making great designs for brochures and the lack of care put into product manuals. While information design is certainly not the same as designing a poster, the gap does not need to be as big of a leap as it currently is. Companies need to come join us in the shower. It'll be a delightful surprise that both parties will be sure to appreciate, as we can offer to scrub off those old skin cells and shame.

It may not the latest on the runway, but it's the hot fashion item for summer. Made to coordinate with your natural bare skin, Axe's "wrap-around" towels are to be the envy of locker room chumps. While Coolz0r is uncertain of any man who would actually try to get the angling right, it's sure to end up as a fratboy present of sorts. Also, though it may be flattering to some body types, one has to think that if you've let a few beers go over the holidays that people are only going to assume you're with one equally wide-assed, chicken-legged ladyfriend. Does this towel make my ass look big? No, but it makes your dick look small.

A recent study that is sure to entertain the likes of Steve Hall and numerous men across the world found that ogling breasts actually has health benefits. To be more specific, men who look at breasts and beautiful faces can extend their life by 4-5 years. Apparently, peeking for 10 minutes a day is equivalent to spending 30 minutes at the gym. This fact comes as no shocker, given the many physical "reactions" men experience when confronted with a wet shirt or a cold day at the office.

"There is no question that gazing at breasts makes men healthier. Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of a stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life 4 to 5 years." She added that sexy stars like Dolly Parton, Heather Locklear, Anna Nicole Smith and Demi Moore had proved to be especially good for the men's health."

Many men may die early if they don't find a replacement for one of the ladies quickly. The report goes on to explain the siren-nature of a beautiful woman:

"A beautiful woman's face is like chocolate, cash or cocaine to a young man's brain, according to Harvard University researchers. Their brain-imaging study revealed that while young heterosexual males are indeed capable of finding beauty in another man's face, only a lovely female visage can set off the "reward centres" in their brains."

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Though Playboy might be known for coming on the scene with new positions, they seem to be far behind on some of the most obvious. Like asking if we've heard of the reverse-cowgirl, Playboy launched a mobile marketing strategy. The "strategy" offers softcore previews of their Double Entry reality show. Strategy may be a fickle word choice as, really, how much strategy does phone porn take? Playboy attempts to be flexible by allowing users to download videos or photos, depending on their device's capabilities. Perhaps enticing to some, phone sex seemingly has yet to truly reach its full climax potential.

The Qantas flight attendant who was recently fired over a mile-high-club-fling with actor Ralph Fiennes, a passenger at the time, tells all in a recent interview with The Mail. While her tale may remain a faraway fantasy for some, she details the exhilaration of being in a surreal scene like out of a movie.

"When I told him I was going for a break, he said, "I might come and visit you for a chat, if that's OK." I was a bit surprised, but also thrilled. I said, "Sure."' ... It was 11pm and most of the other passengers were asleep. ... By this point they were sitting so close their faces were just inches apart. Lisa said: 'He held my hands. Then he started kissing me. The kissing was very passionate and his hands were all over me. I just melted. 'He was caressing my neck, holding my head and he started undoing the buttons on my dress. The way he was going, he would have made love to me right there. But I was afraid my supervisor might pull back the curtain and catch us. Eventually, I couldn't bear it any longer. I just grabbed his hand and said, "Come in here a minute." 'By this time, we had half our clothes off and I didn't care about anything. I led him into the cabin lavatory next to where we had been sitting and locked the door. 'Ralph was a great lover. And I thought if I was going to get the sack, it would be worth it. I knew it was against the rules and wrong but I didn't care."

Cheers to that and thanks for managing to get us all hot and bothered just by reading an interview. Any of us would agree that if you're going to go out, go out in style. And what better way to get sacked than having a movie star in the sack.

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Plastic proves to be pleasurable beyond double-D's. Shouting to Hear the Echoes puts out, providing a poll to vote on the sexiest gynoid. A gynoid is a robot designed after a human female. While Femmebots were the first out on the catwalk, a new season has brought a new line. Asking "Which modern-day Gynoid would you most love to spend a dirty week-end with?", the poll provides choices from eight ready-for-you robots. Hopefully bug-free, there shouldn't be any accidental 1's typed in the middle of her exclaimed orgasm. That would just be embarassing.

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Making joystick puns too easy, Bonnie Ruberg attempts to talk about sex weekly on Joystiq. This week's 'Playing Dirty' column goes for the easy bait, asking if sex is a game.

"Our culture trains us to think of sex as something romantic and meaningful, as "making love.""

Apparently a few power pellets short of a blue ghost, the culture in question may be mistaken as your parents' basement. Gamers may be stereotypically sheltered, but it's pretty safe to assume that when they search for sex inbetween 1up's and frags, that love-making doesn't rank high on Google.

"Sex definitely exists outside the flow of ordinary life. Even if it's an everyday thing for you, it has its own separate space, both literally (the home, the bedroom, the bed itself) and in terms of frame of mind."

Somehow I'm left with a bad Carrie-Bradshaw-wannabe taste in my mouth. To assume that sex is separate or outside the flow of ordinary life is, for lack of a more compelling word, a sad view. Sex isn't a separate connection in our brain, nor should it ever be regulated to happening within the confines of just "the home, bedroom, and bed". Sex is as mobile as a PSP, please don't treat it like an Alienware desktop.

a href="http://www.shakewellbeforeuse.com/images/aquapets.jpg">Apparently receiving a late memo to their position on the naughty list, Alabama upheld a statute banning the commercial distribution of sex toys.

"According to the statute, it is 'unlawful for any person to knowingly distribute any obscene material or any device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs."

The notice came just in time to remind us that the holiday spirit of toys under the tree and in bedroom drawers has subsided. While the gadgety-goodness may no longer be an option, there's always a story every year about how the kids today don't appreciate old school toys. Perhaps Make: will provide some creative hand-crafted solutions.

Cigar-sucking and champagne-holding, two vixens laced the front page of Gawker yesterday. Posting their February pin-ups, the gossip-mongers sent over a photographer to capture the feminist-fatales. The lovely spread features a sex columnist coupled with a blogger/novelist. As the pictures can attest, the curvaceous lines between those roles can easily be blurred.

Everyone needs a "release" every now and again, and I think we can all say that we learned something new about Steve Hall, the appointed guest blogger, this week. Here's a towel, go get yourself cleaned up.

Skipping the "and" in art, advertising, sex + technology, Steve defied grammar (and surely your expectations) to create a temporary simpler description. I would say sexier, though Steve may not yet understand the art of desire, leaving little of it. Either way, there's always some pleasure to be derived from not holding back.

The reverse upskirt, while not a version of the 'reverse cowgirl', still an equally 'intriguing' new trend.

Amsterdam (the same area as reported earlier this week as allowing naked exercising) is paying tribute to prostitutes everywhere in the only way they know how: a massive erection. Reportedly, the home of the Red Light District is erecting a statue for the town whore, sans proverbial sidenotes. Mariska Majoor, well known (though, not best known) for starting a center for prostitution ten years ago had requested the statue.

"The statue represents a self-assured woman, her hands on her hips, looking sideways towards the sky, and standing on a doorstep, ANP said. The precise place where the statue will be laid ... have not yet been announced".

It's always quaint when the AF press gets to use the puns they've been waiting on for years.

There are great perks that come with living alone. The main one? Having free reign over cooking, eating, and relaxing in the nude. While being lazy does wonders for stress, it doesn't, however, do any wonders for your figure. Keen to the comfort of nudity, a gym in the Netherlands has begun 'Naked Sunday', a weekly open door policy on birthday suits and awkwardness.

"I heard that some other gyms are offering courses on 'pole-dancing' as a sport, so I thought: Why not bring something new to the market?" Patrick de Man, the owner of Fitworld gym, said.

This may just be the motivation you need to get in shape. Those guilt trip commercials that pray on your shame and New Year's reolutions never worked. At the very least, you can expect that getting 'up' and off the couch to go exercise will be easier. Though, with motivating so many newbies unaccustomed to a "work out" (in either sense), perhaps they'll do some erection damage control.

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While the importance of being well educated in history is typically so we can learn from our mistakes, one museum is encouraging its visitors to repeat the past. The German Neanderthal Museum in Mettman recently opened its doors to pay tribute to 100,000 Years of Sex. The display includes ancient phalluses, the world's oldest condom (pictured), "raunchy" engravings, and stripped down Neanderthals. The exhibition also aims to discuss the different positions moral issues held over time, such as marriage, homosexuality, and pedophilia. Realizing the purely educational purposes of the exhibit, the museum is also accepting contributions, in the form of one-night-stands reproduction:

"Just to make sure humanity continues to propagate itself for the next 100,000 years, the museum offers "singles tours" around the exhibition as part of its program -- complete with complementary glass of red wine to help lower those inhibitions and let the erotica on offer take its course."

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A recent study in the UK found that 30% of men and 42.5% of women would consider answering the phone during sex. Even more shocking, 24% of women answered that they would give up sex before their mobile phone. Is British sex truly that anti-climatic? Perhaps this may come as no shocker to the UK, but these findings could potentially have irreversable effects on underage American girls everywhere, otherwise swooning for the Hugh-Grant-type-accents. It seems as though the Brits love for raunchy entertainment and advertising is just an outcry for their malnurished appetites.

Feeling more fiesty for February? Before you bite your lip, these lovely luxuries are designed to sex up your partner or self:

• Bella Bella Boutique brings new reasons to email links with "(hint hint)" at the end [Styledash]

• "Luxury, design-forward pleasure objects" - C'mon, Valentine's Day is all about letting your loved one know how you feel, so just call it what it is - a sex toy for the dildo-intimidated [Josh Spear]

• You'll need a bath after being so dirty, the LED soapy love heart is the almost-perfect mate [Craft:]

The new blogger to the Styledash team, Brigitte Dale, asks if Playboy should really be "the kind of company that should start selling women's cosmetics?". The answer is, of course, darling, who else. Who better than to give women everywhere those luscious dick-sucking-lips than the true experts? Accordingly, Playboy has launched Playboy Beauty, a line of cosmetics designed to fluff up flirtation. The Long Wear Eyeliner Pens are designed with an all day, "stay the night" formula, as the Shimmer Bricks powder helps give your face the healthy "afterglow". So, if you didn't get any the night before, at least Playboy knows how to fake it 'til you make it. Wonder if they have Melted Mascara and Freshly Fucked Hairspray lines?

Korea is home to one of the most filthiest parks in the world. This is definitely not somplace to bring the little ones to play. You may not be washing up dirty jeans afterwards, but you might need to put your mind on spin cycle after visiting. The Love Land Sex Park features sexual sculptures from around the country created by starving-for-sex artists. Reportedly, the park serves as an attraction for honeymooners, though you have to ask if Korea is premarital-friendly, given the sights.

Women are continually tagged with faking orgasms, but recent insight reveals that men may actually be the ones on the losing end of the equation. Apparently, women give out a lot more than just moans and backside "battle wounds".

Theta waves or rhythms are typically measured to reflect the part of the brain that processes incoming signals.

"When an orgasm has been achieved through sex, you can measure theta waves. These are also said to cause the "running high" feeling of euphoria experienced sometimes by marathon runners. If theta waves are taken as a criterion, the entire brain emits theta waves when women reach an orgasm that are close on 10 times stronger than when men climax. So, if theta waves are an indication of an orgasm's strength, then women experience an orgasm that is physically impossible for men to go through. Putting it a little crudely, if the intensity of a woman's orgasm was played through a man's brain, there's a danger that the shock to his system would kill him."

Deadly, perhaps, but we also we're born to tempt as well as kill...

"There is a very strong correlation between nerve transmitters called dopamine and pleasure. ... There also appears to be a link between this and a woman's tendency to become prettier when she falls in love."

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Apparently not in the market for "ultra sensitive for her pleasure" condoms, Durex appears on this ad for XXL condoms. While it could be streteched as a public annoucement for women so enamored by size that they forget to practice safe sex, it's probably safer for us to assume they were going for a different conclusion. The ad definitely gets its point across, as it's a hard one to swallow, no less, take in. While swallowing is always a nice gesture, couldn't help but spit this one back out for all of you to see.

While us ladies are known to self-portrait strip tease for ourselves in the privacy of our own home and boredom (you only need to look at the photo I have up to come to your own conclusion), we usually keep them safe and sound on our harddrives. Wanting to share her boredom with the blogosphere, however, Violet Blue documents her favorite panties to help relieve some stress. Also appearing in the pictures is her "blogger" tattoo which I'd love to know the backstory behind that one (also, what is with sex columnists photographing themselves with cupcakes?). With cute shoes, cute shots, cute panties (and a cute tush to match!), Violet takes care of our boredom as well.

If you've ever ventured around the blogosphere to any of the food sites, you wouldn't be surprised if they ended their recipes with a splooge frosting for extra taste and texture. With so much food porn floating around, you'd expect to get a little rough every now and again. On the contrary though, as most of the blog-foodies keep it clean like a TBS-version of Sex and the City. CMM News, however, points to a food porn advert that isn't scared to treat you like the dirty martini whore you are. He says it's NSFW, but I say fuck that.

Otherwise intimidated by the massively hard sell that comes with playing with 'the big boys', Seattle coffee shops are grabbing the competition by the balls. Being pinned down as "sexpresso", local ladies are letting snooze buttons everywhere go untouched. From lacey lingerie and short skirts to hot pink hot pants, there's no reason not to get both of your addictions out of the way early. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, afterall. The barista babes seem to receive pleasure as well, seeing that their customers come with smiles and anticipation, and suddenly seem less bothered when it takes longer than usual to make their morning mocha.

"Customers pull their trucks up to the window, where Law greets each with an affectionate nickname, blows kisses, and vamps about as she steams milk for a mocha. "You want whipped cream?" she asks, a sly smile playing on her pierced lip. The next customer rolls up, and Law throws a long leg onto the window sill, like an indie-rock ballerina at the barre. "Do you like my leg warmers?" she asks. "Aren't they hot?"

Hot is not the half of it."

The pervy yet lovable AdRants points to an antique in middle school humor. Sneaking away to their refrigerators, adolescents used to be more creative to satiate their desperation.

"Apparently way back in the 30's, the designer of the [Land O Lakes] packaging, Jess Betlach thought he'd have some fun by adding the visual hint or female aureola/nipple to the Indian woman's knees. The knees, you ask? Well, according the Where's My Jetpack, thousands of boys would cut the knees off, cut a whole where the Indian woman is holding the product and insert the image of the knees thus creating the illusion of an Indian woman holding her bare breasts."

Boys got knee-cap boobies and we only got Fabio? Ladies, we were chumped. Boys everywhere should be appreciative to now live in a time where MySpace provides all the creativity and 'imagination' for you.

Over drinks, it has been discussed many a time: the science of tushology. As a friend of mine put it, a tush is the ultimate perfection (what most super models have), an ass includes the majority of fairly attractive women, and a butt is the bottom of the totem pole. An article in the New York Times even outlined the mathematical equation explaining tushology:

"The equation that describes the quality of the female rear end, according to Holmes, is (S + C) x (B + F)/T - V, where S = Overall Shape (“including tendency to droop”), C = Circularity, B = Bounce Factor (not to be confused with “wobble”), F = Firmness (with perfect being “like a comfy bed”), T = Skin Texture and V = Vertical Ratio (the goal: “on the top-heavy side of symmetrical”). For the male rear end, the equation replaces bounce, circularity and vertical ratio with M (Muscularity), L (Leanness) and O (Overall Symmetry)."

Is it no wonder then that Jessica Biel has chosen to display her derriere, following in the footsteps of Jessica Alba's highly sought after bikini bottom. Jessica Biel likes to give as well as receive, though, passing her booty baton onto Maria Menouno's tush with a brief slap and verbal encouragement.

Perhaps the moneyshot shouldn't actually jump out of the TV and into your living room. The latest in HDTV clarity makes some porn stars uneasy, and it's not a case of the 'butterflies'.

"The XXX industry has gotten too graphic, even for its own tastes ... “The biggest problem is razor burn,” said Stormy Daniels, an actress, writer and director. Ms. Daniels is also a skeptic. “I’m not 100 percent sure why anyone would want to see their porn in HD,” she said."

To cure the blemishes, wrinkles, and cellulite that can't exist in fantasy land, many directors are taking them in to post-production for a touch-up quickie. Others have gone to more extreme measures, claiming to get more plastic surgery just to cater to HD.

"Men are all about outdoing each other, being up with the times, being cool, having the latest technology,” [Ms. Daniels] said. “They’re willing to sacrifice our vanity and imperfections to beat each other” to high-definition, she said."

Blackmail, a hostage, a little extorsion (apparently hackers don't have time to spell check extortion), some stealing of Diesel's website, and the latest campaign called Heidies is underway. With a bit of pleasurable trickery and handcuffs, the culprits are on a mission to become 'so f**king famous!'. Delving deeper into the covert operation, a live webcam shows the girls' latest victim alongside a poll of how to torture him. A live chat also reveals the desperate begging for more among viewers around the world. The Heidies are definitely delicious, but not so promiscuous, as they make sure you get what they're after, "No, we will not show our tits, been there, done that, didn't work". Here's to trying.

From business suit to birthday suit, the PETA girls take center stage at a State of the Union 'Undress'. Prefering to bare skin instead of wearing skin, PETA wants you to know that the only legal hot chicks shouldn't come from KFC. While most viral videos are nothing but teases, this NSFW one makes sure to finish you off. By the end, you'll be begging her to throw red paint on you like the dirty, fried-chicken-eating boy you are.

Wanting women to regurgitate the contents of their stomachs, a France-based artist has created the Spermcube. No beating around the proverbial bush, the artist Philippe Meste aims to produce a cube filled with 264 gallons (literally, 1 ton) of human sperm. Meste asks for men around the world to donate to his grotesque vision by providing donor kits online. While there's more than enough sperm in the world, usually the name of the game for most men is to keep it outside of 'the box'. While this box may not be as warm and velvety, at least it doesn't get knocked up.

Distraught over the recent smoking-ban, night clubs quickly needed to remedy the oral fixation among patrons. The "Oh well, so much for smoking..." ad grabs attention among other things, and it's not even for a deoderant bodyspray. Somehow doubtful that the women who bum cigarettes from you would give you the time of day, no less their tongue down your throat, but who said advertising should be truthful?

As annoyingly frequent as AdRants hourly updates over the Julie Roehm (who? exactly.) debacle last month, apparently mentioning anything about the violently hip Wii console sends in a flood more. Since The Wii Sex Movie was the most popular link last week, it's only considerate to post the sequel. Wanting to milk the viral fame for all its worth, the douchey chump of a boyfriend continues his story, post-dropping-the-soap-in-a-gamer-convention. Don't flatter yourself, anal-Wii-rape boy, Katie Couric shoved things up her ass on national television and look where that got her.

Winding down from the pervs and geeks of last week, Wired and BoingBoing cover the NSFW overlaps of CES and AVN 2007. Winding up the "sex-tech", was the teledildonics toys that allow for partners to control the speed, intensity, and rhythm during cybersex.
Xeni then points us to a site dedicated to women having sex with robots. The site seems unnecessary, as anyone could just covertly videotape the hotel rooms of AVN/CES crossover hook-ups to get the same effect. Feeling threatened by the iPhone, the makers of OhMiBod (the vibrator that syncs with an iPod), created BodiTalk, the vibrator that syncs with your mobile phone. Essentially, it feels good to be popular.

(Photo courtesy of Fleshbot's 2007 AVN coverage)

Madonna recently revealed her distaste for the upskirts galavanting around town. Crotchshots simply don't grow on popstars, as some prefer to keep the issue well trimmed.

"I've been hearing these stories (and) it's dreadful. I love underpants... I've come to New York and the first thing I hear is about everyone not wearing underpants.. What's going on? It's freezing outside." said Madonna to Letterman when asked about the no-knickers policy.

Oh, but Madonna, sometimes being a "non-material" girl in a material world can provide pleasant surprises to the glee (or in Britney's cases, disgust) of many. We all love our lacy knickers, but really, who has the time anymore?

The issue has even spread far east, where a city is being built specifically for women. The city is said to feature sidewalks designed for high heels and bridges at slight angles for those who wish to walk the town with minimal pervish peeping. Unless of course that's your whole reasoning, in which case you may not need a city, but it doesn't hurt to be a popstar.

...mobile phone? Middle school humor aside, more awkward devices are surfacing from last week's CES tech fest. Obviously lacking any kind of luck outside the poker tables, the geeks in Las Vegas needed to do something with all the expired condoms. Enter the mobile phone prophylactic. Probably invented by some guy caught practicing with condoms who then tried to pass it off as an actual business model, the mobile condom is said to protect your small device from all weather conditions. Similar models claim to protect against paint, blood, and sweat. So, whether you're a butcher or a serial killer on the go, you're covered!

Caffeine isn't the only addictive ingredient for a coffee bar in southern China. Sex is the topic among many of the young clientele. Catering to the consumer, a family planning department opened the coffee sex bar to promote healthy sex lives. The bar broadcasts sex-themed videos in addition to providing social resources for previously-taboo topics. While sex and coffee may addictively go hand-in-hand, one can only hope that the coffee served is as tasty as the topics.

Like getting dressed. Urban Photography pins up their most tasteful twelve for 2007. Benefitting Breast Cancer charities, sneaking a peek has never had more of a good intention. This year's strip features the twelve doing a variety of household chores. With so many months in the year, one can only hope the calendar is well hung, in your office of course.

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Spreading the pages of a glossy magazine as opposed to a tv screen, Battlestar Galactica star Trisha Helfer dives into Playboy. The "sexy Cylon" appears in the latest edition of Playboy and seems fairly confident that her geek squad will follow her curves to the yet-to-be-sticky pages.

"I hope people like them," Helfer told The Post of her 10-page nude pictorial shot by famed shutterbug Sante D'Orazio. "I know I do."

Despite the off-screen confidence, Helfer's BG on-screen character has started to doubt her machine loyalty. It's okay Trisha, you already have a following from geeks and humans alike.

While a seemingly obvious viral video for the physical benefits of the Wii, someone had to do it. Taking the cake, The Wii Sex Movie (they seriously couldn't come up with a Wii pun for a title!?). The premise is hot enough, but most could probably do without the chumpy boyfriend. For those already tingling about the idea, Fleshbot is offering bonus points to any adventurous couples willing to 1up the video by trying it out on Wii bowling. My mind is already in the gutter.

The Japanese always find a way of reminding us why we're so giddy about their culture. Taking Japanese girls out of dubayu-tee-eff moments would be like trying to take the red out of Kool-Aid. For your consideration, a couple of happy exploding fun Japanese clips:

Butt-wrestling babes in bikinis

Rodeo-riding babes in bikinis (some assembly required, comes with creme pies provided by fully masked men in black)

No, not a pick-up line from the Naked Chef (don't you wish?), sexy restaurants are the ones asking you to swallow. San Francisco was recently put to the test by Violet Blue, boasting her stamina for eating out. Gridskipper comments on the sexiest San Francisco restaurants:

"Absinthe: French food, french kissing, french tickler.
Ajanta Restaurant: Indian food in Berkeley. "honestly a sexual religious experience for your palate," really? You mean like a priest coming in your mouth? That kind of sexual religious experience for your palate?
Millennium: Millennium rhymes with Perineum, vegan rhymes with pee-on...coincidence or does eating here all but ensure multiple orgasms and golden showers?
Tsunami: Sushi, an "eloquent atmosphere" and a ton of sake to help you get your beer goggles on.
El Mansour: This Moroccan restaurant features belly dancers, tea poured from high, and pillows to aid and abet in sexy making."

Like their garter belts, the classic charm and allure of pin-up girls holds up through today. Equally classic, sexy serifs outline every tempting curve of these pin-up beauties. Created in simple black and white, with red you wish you were all over.

"Miss Serifa - Always one to unbracket her square serifs, Serifa has a fuller figure and strong features so you can fax her or lay her on a photocopier and get a very satisfying result.
Miss Gill - Small in x-height and perfectly formed, she is a sans quite unlike any other and typographers find her up and downstrokes immensely satisfying.
Miss Optima - Outrageous Optima swings both ways with her kinky combination of serif and sans seric features. You'll also see a lot of her outdoors although we think many type designers would prefer to have her indoors, pinned against the wall of a studio."

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The Wiibrator eliminates the need to ride joysticks. This seemingly innocent, dirty little device helps you relax to good vibrations. By using the Wiimote, you can control the signals sent to your "x box". With so many reports, one has to wonder if there should be any safety warnings about damage to your goods.

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Arguing over who's clip measures larger this week are a series of internet "super stars". VH1's Web Junk TV calls for your votes to determine the 40 Greatest Internet Superstars. While some have an ass for a face (nsfw), and some are simply considered an ass-face, the candidates prove to make the running competitive. A few highlights: Lazy Sunday, Diet Coke and Mentos, Bank of America, Lonelygirl15, Look at me being serious, Tom, Numa Numa, OK GO, Tron Guy.

What about Dick in a Box? Box in a box? Smirnoff Raw Tea? Shave Everywhere? Leeroy Jenkins? That lame Rolling Rock video that everyone liked? (Yeah, calling you out.)