Due to "inadequate" labels and directions, penis enlargement devices are at risk for being taken away at the U.S. border. So, before you pump your penis, be prepared to hand it over to police. The FDA is has gone flaccid from their disappointment:

"Basically, the labeling of these devices falsely states or implies they will treat impotence, prolong erection, and increase the dimensions of the penis," the FDA said in the new notice."

The 501 brand has a history of horniness behind it from lyrics (not surprisingly the same from which Shake Well Before Use got its name) to Levi's commercials. This latest spot is no exception. As Adrants explains: "Levi's celebrates this moment of pre-sex honesty in Secrets and Lies, a commercial from BBH London that reminds us all, it's never too late to set things straight...before things actually get straight and it's too late."

Just as cringe-worthy as the last edition we wrote about, Porn for New Moms makes us want to stay on the pill. The book features father's and kids with lines like "Damn, you look hot in those sweatpants!", and "Now, remember, it's my turn to do the midnight feeding, so don't get up." While meant to be a cute gift, we're still irked by the stereotype of what women want when it comes to porn.

PETA's latest ad.

Screenshot by Chris Messina

Bedpost, a web 2.0 application that remains in alpha, aims to give you insights about your sex life. By entering in partners, time durations and tags to describe your "doing the horizontal" data, the app appears to build a calendar of stats and averages. Other multimedia functionality includes uploading photos of partners, in case you'd like to brag to yourself about your previous conquests. The creator states:

"I built it for myself about 4 years ago, and this is the culmination of years and years of thinking about how to make it available to the world. ... Before long, you'll have a rolling history of your sex life on which to reflect."

That is, if you really find it useful to reflect on the spirit of sexual past. We can only hope this service doesn't include a "people you might know" feature.

[Thx, Tantek!]

This would most likely get covered on the Engadget Adgadget column, but we decided to share it here. Axe's latest ad campaign features a team of technosexual females scrubbing down a dirty male in sexy-space-age-like suits. The commercial is for the Axe Detailer Shower Tool, made for those who like it a little rough in the morning.

Playboy picks the top 2.0 girls that make them giddy. The short list includes Julie Alexandria, Sarah Austin (formerly Sarah Meyers), Veronica Belmont, Violet Blue, Amanda Congdon, Brigitte Dale, Sarah Lacy, Natali Del Conte, and Xeni Jardin. Though flattering, it appears that Playboy didn't clearly tell the "contestants" that voting by the public would determine who they would ask to pose in their publication. While some may be okay with the opportunity, others can safely shoot down any chance of that happening before the votes are in.

Recently: I was informed I was in the Top 20 Bloggers We Want To See In Bikinis

Photo: Courtesy Brigitte Dale

Spore already is proving to be less accepting of all-walks-of-life (and love making) than Second Life. PC Gamer's Kristen Salvatore created a "Boobalicious" creature, to which EA wrote her a warning about violating their TOS for inappropriate content by way of nudity. Salvatore is unsure of how the Spore "community managers" got tipped off about her tit-creature, but we can only wish it was our job to look for creature porn all day long.

Sex spreads. That should be the replacement adage of "sex sells" for the latest viral videos. Tired of chipmunks and chocolate rain, clips of the Wii Fit Girl spread eagle across the interweb in record time. Feeding off the fanny frenzy, Playboy's Jo Garcia attempts to pwn the Wii Fit Girl in a battle of panties and pigtails. Surprisingly, this very staged version doesn't have the same ass appeal as the original.

Happy Father's Day from Durex.

[via]

Violet Blue points us to the latest promotion for Chuck Palahniuk's new book "Snuff". Titled "The Twilight Bone", the short includes everything we love about cheesy sci-fi and sex, minus a bow-chica-wow-wow sound effect. With other installments like "The Wizard of Ass" and "Chitty Chitty Gang Bang", we're staying tuned for any other attempts at "sweded" pr0n.

These ads for Cabana Cachaçam decided to skip over the usual tag line of "the national spirit of Brazil" in favor of a more prominent type of "line". Speaking of the one-piece-bikini tan lines of course, the series seems to be a better promotion of waxing your privates than having some hooch.

As if the topic of genital mutilation wasn't ear-catching enough, the Association of Women Against Genital Mutilation aims to catch your eye as well. Using blow-up pleasure dolls, their latest ads for 2008 effectively grab attention. Created by Contrapunto BBDO, the razor blade caption reads, "more than 140 million women in the world are condemned to feel nothing".

Last month we pointed out the potential conspiracy to cover-up nipples in advertising. Yet another example perked up this month on an ad for Swedish lingerie brand Kroppsnara. Considering it's a full-frontal photo featuring a 1/4th cup bra, there's really no getting around this awkward lack of areola.

A satellite system devoted to tracking sex offenders recently released from prison suffered from too many bugs to be realistically implemented. The original idea was to use four satellites as a GPS to keep more accurate tabs on known sex offenders by way of an attached radio-transmitting ankle tag.

"...a pilot found that the signal emitted from the tracking devices could be blocked by clouds, buildings or leaves. It was also lost underground and on some trains. The Ministry of Justice has decided to focus instead on lie detectors as a means of controlling paedophiles released on parole. The U-turn will leave ministers facing accusations that they have failed to address the threat that communities face from 30,000 registered sex offenders."

Surfing for more pr0n than peripherals (who can blame them?), Gizmodo pointed to what is being held up as the best use of LEDs ever: the LED labia. Yes, stuck in a stripping woman's crotch is a panty-full of blinking, shiny lights in case you needed extra incentive to stare. Though this usage is difficult to top, Clitter most certainly out does the LED labia any day.

We are in shock over the fact that a tipster pointed out we didn't cover a shoe-in story from January yet. Called Nudar, this beta radar is a location-based service for strip clubs and nudity. With helpful maps and even a GPS plugin, Nudar aims to give you a handful of attractions. Nudar 1.0 was announced to be in the works earlier this month with the assurance that the service would still be free. No road trip should be without a plentiful amount of tits, so this is definitely a must-have gadget for your jalopy.

[A weekly link post of skipped over (and slightly stale) sights and stories]

• German Playboy billboard uses rain to promote wet t-shirts

• Space Invader + QR code scarf gives you that warm and geeky feeling

• Sensor-embedded bra records "vertical breast displacement"

• 20% of IMs are never sent

• Rabbit Travel Vibe is 12 volts of vroom vroom vibration

Following AdRants lead, we are left with little other comment than 'WTF?' on this recent find in advertising. With an overload of push-up, Nila Sliced Mushrooms is promoting their product by pinning up models on the side of semi's.

"[The ad is] one part come hither and stick your throbbing member between my huge breasts until you fill this can with your uncontrollable lust look. And you've got the perfect "WTF was that but it sure felt good" ad."

We're not so sure that feeling 'Fungtastic!' gets us past flaccid on this one, as we typically stray away from women associated with fungus growth.

Broadcasting from Austin and ready to achieve geekgasm, this year is sure to be as overwhelming as the past. Shake Well Before Use has admittedly been slacking on blogging in the last few weeks due to all the excitement and anticipation. Regardless, come join in the nerdfesticle that is SXSW at these two events:

How to Rawk SXSW: Achieving Geekgasm

16bit Pownce Party

Off of the naughty ad feed over at Trendhunter, they've compiled 67 ways sex sells (we thank them for not holding out for a 69 joke). From Apple ass-vertisements to pin-up calendars (we recommend the cupcakes) and pussy-product-placements, the ads are something to look up to other than upskirts. Some of the ads may have crossed your sight before, but even we were surprised about somehow missing the "boobs as a paintbrush" campaign.

Playing purely for the panty shots, a video game clip shows the desperate attempts at catching a glimpse of g-strings. Pairing Zelda against Princess Peach, the Super Smash Bros. Brawl has the appropriately dressed characters fighting often in mid-air. The player attempts to pan around for a shot of pixelated princess panties. We'd recommend that Princess Peach look into at least a knee-length skirts for avoiding being fragged. More importantly, we'd recommend the player to poke around The Accidental Video Game Porn Archive and get over it.

A new attempt at a study aims to prove that wearing high heels can improve a woman's sex life. The research looked into the muscle and electrical activity around the pelvic area while wearing high heels. While the researchers are wanting to prove that the measurements equate to a better sex life, we're almost certain that the medical explanation lies somewhere within how other people's muscles react to the sight of someone in heels.

A "sex ring" operated by young Japanese school girls was recently uncovered by decoding their use of txtshorthand. The girls were apparently selling sex to older men via mobile transactions.

"Take this piece of seemingly benign code, for example:
IkebLURV1700Yukichi2JC1
Ikeb = Ikebukuro. The neighborhood that the girl is in.
LURV = "I will have sex with you."
1700 = Time: 5PM

Yukichi2 = Yukichi Fukuzawa, the guy whose face is on the 10,000 yen note x 2 = I cost 20,000 yen
JC = Joshi Chugakusei (Junior high school girl. JS would be elementary school girl, JK would be high school girl)
1 = Grade 1. In Japan, 1st year of junior high = 7th grade. "

Unfortunately(?), this may make for a valid reason for parents to enforce no texting at the dinner table.

This is perhaps on the side of trying too hard, but someone took the time to edit their way through a variety of Star Trek episodes for anything resembling an orgasm. The Trekkie YouTube clip features the numerous seasons and character climaxes. Cheesy? Definitely. Worth your time? Questionable. [via]

Each week, Ariel Waldman serves a tasting of the latest in sex and tech.

Thermal Bras and Panties Could Boost Your Mobile Phone Battery
A new pair of underwear could use your body heat to charge your batteries. The prospect of using nanowires or microspopic strands of silicone has researchers convinced this may be the future of fashion. "This discovery could lead to special clothing that could produce electrical current for batteries in cells and handheld computers," reports Green Daily. While still a concept, the idea of electricity-producing lingerie is pretty hot.
Previously: Solar swimsuits power up bikini babes

Sensual Intelligence Possibly More Sci-Fi Than AI
Like using your left hand, sex toys are now trying to mimic a foreign feeling by the use of an artificial "mind". Dubbed "Sensual Intelligence", a new down-there-device called SaSi uses a positive or negative button for the user to select what does and doesn't feel good. The device learns your preferences, but also apparently pushes your boundaries on occasion as well. Regina Lynn of Wired's Sex Drive column claims, "...I thought everyone would be clamoring for one, because frankly it's the closest thing to cunnilingus you can get from a robot."

Sex::Tech Starts Today
The Sex::Tech Conference starts today in San Francisco, focusing on youth education. With speakers such as Deb Levine, Anastasia Goldstein, and Nikol Hasler, the event is sure to draw in those in the know. Some of the sessions today covered "OMG!STDs: The New Frontier of Text Messaging for Sexual Health", "Integrating Technology Into Sexual Health Programs", and "Wired for Sex: Connecting People in the 2.0 Sexuality".

Each week, Ariel Waldman serves a tasting of the latest in sex and tech.

Kiss-Me Meter Measures Make-Out-Worthiness
Catching up on the CES craziness from last week, we're surprised this one didn't make it into Engadget's Crapgadget edition. The Kiss-me Meter is designed to measure the make-out-worthiness of your breath and thus advise on whether you should make a move or start gargling some serious mouth wash. By blowing into the gizmo, an LED indicator shows where you stand. If we saw someone using this, we would make sure we stood far away.

OhMiBod Compatible With iPhone, No Word On Macbook Air
OhMiBod should've held off from announcements for another week, as only a few days ago it was boasting iPhone compatibility. No word yet on if the line of vibrators plans to sync up with the new Macbook Air. We're guessing that the serious lack in audio quality in the Macbook Air may make for some not-so-hot vibrations.

Unlimited HD Porn That Doesn't Hit Your Wallet
Another CES find that aimed to target those who had wandered over from AVN was FyreTV. FyreTV is a black box of porn that delivers a punch. With an ethernet connection, the black box delivers around 20,000 different porn titles. The service costs about $10 a month, which is fairly cheap, but doesn't compare to the fact that you can still get a lot for free. Unfortunately, we wouldn't give it a great rating simply for the fact that it's streaming, rather than stored. Seeing a buffering notice in the middle of a scene may make for an instant FAIL.

Sushi + tush = pervy form of Onigiri

[via (nsfw)]

Created by Ogilvy out of Frankfurt, this series of ads aims to nudge the naughty-minded into buying an otherwise innocent product. The ads were produced for Globus Supermarket in Germany. With tag lines like "satisfy your appetite", the play on imagery is pleasurable until you find yourself wanting to fondle mangos and feel up bananas.

While many of us tech-fetishists can't take our eyes off of the saturated-with-shiny CES floors, others have alternatives that catch their glance. The infamous I4U News (the ones that bring you your monthly girl-on-gadget moments) are taking their reporting to the array of oh-so-predictable booth babes. These are the lovely ladies that somehow got lost on the way to the AVN expo next door. Thankfully, gaggles of geeks are around to ogle and escort them around gadgets accordingly.